I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
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2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Wednesday
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”