I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
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“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
You can’t outrun your problems…
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Ha
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
The Backseat Boys
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁