“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
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The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Chicken bread
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.