“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
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God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
🤣🤣💀
Cat is stressing him out.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Do not levitate over flowers
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.