@moose_chocolate: I'm a slow runner unless I think I left my phone unlocked in the next room, in which case I'm Usain Bolt.
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@U_Want_Shum_M8: I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
@FattMernandez: [On WebMD] I have a sore throat [Throat cancer] I wasn't done, and a stomach ache. [Cancer] Couldn't it be the flu? [If it wasn't cancer]
@ThaJawn: Coworker *parks Prius Coworker 2 *locks bike up Me *bounces by on jumping exercise ball made of recycled tires* POSERS!
@BuckyIsotope: All the toys under the tree Have now gone completely missing You’ve been hit by You’ve been struck by Reverse Santa Claus