@moose_chocolate: I'm a slow runner unless I think I left my phone unlocked in the next room, in which case I'm Usain Bolt.
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@TheCatWhisprer: [pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral] sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
@TheCatWhisprer: Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I've done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
@dave_cactus: TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
@Parker_Simpson: I imagine it's pretty humbling for someone who's literally taking part in their first rodeo