@moose_chocolate: I'm a slow runner unless I think I left my phone unlocked in the next room, in which case I'm Usain Bolt.
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@BruceForce: Guys, I'm officially having sex tonight so please don't disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
@JohnLyonTweets: I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
@StevieKnip: PSA: If you're about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now 'above the law' & literally can't get in trouble ever
@BobScottCPA: But people, if you have a gift card that is all used up, do not drop it in a urinal please—it's a Big letdown to fish it out all for nothing