90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
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My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.