@carlyken: "I'm a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow." -everyone on Facebook
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@onion_an: [jumps in getaway car after bank robbery] "They said no I couldn't have any money" Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
@thetits: COP: do you know why I pulled you over? ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off* [3 years later] COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
@BeCoco77: True Story: A guy at the supermarket walked up to me today and asked me if I was on twitter. I said no. If you're reading this, I lied.
@BillWeirCNN: Say one positive thing about your opponent Well...he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.