@carlyken: "I'm a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow." -everyone on Facebook
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@dafloydsta: [marriage counseling] She thinks I'm stupid "He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex" HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
@XplodingUnicorn: [reading Harry Potter] Me: Do you know what's going on? 3-year-old: He went to lizard school. I'd correct her, but her version is better.