@carlyken: "I'm a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow." -everyone on Facebook
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@LetGoBeFreeDoU: Telling someone w/ depression things like 'Cheer up','Get over it','It's a state of mind', is like telling a blind person 'Just look harder'
@DonQuickoats: My dogs are barking a lot lately but I think it is because their performance appraisals are coming up
@rockymomax: SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
@WheelTod: [Office meeting] *I stride in, straddle a chair: Yo Guys. Listen up Boss: Turn around Frank. We can't hear you when you're facing the wall