“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
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Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
im all 3
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Still cracks me up
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.