“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
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Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Autocorrect is my menesis
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Only a mother’s love …
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
You’ll be OK
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.