If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
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I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did