I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
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I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.