Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
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“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Hot Hot Hot
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same