I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
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Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
good let them take over I have had enough
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.