I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
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Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Running from your problems is cardio .
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.