I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
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[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
the greatest twitter interaction
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.