@Jason_Horton: "I'm a very private person" - people who are on back to back reality shows
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@KentTheG: When co-workers ask if the photos on my desk are my kids, I like to say, "No, they're Dan's from accounting. But they're so cute!"
@rsynder336x2: Wife: Can you fix this, the holes too big for the thingy majingy? Me: Hey I know how it feels! Hahaha! *And then I regained consciousness
@PaperWash: Tell us a scary story! Ok kids, gather around *holds flashlight up to face And I'll tell you all that is evil *puts wedding tape in VCR
@juneohara65: Me: "Bless me father, it's been 13,505 days since my last confession." Priest: "You're off to a bad start."