Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
You Might Also Like
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.