It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
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I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train