im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
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Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him