“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
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Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
That’s enough internet for the day
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back