{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
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Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume