I’m about to risk it all
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We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8