I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
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there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
I WON A HAM TODAY
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.