I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
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the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.