Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
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What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
whenever i wake up before my alarm
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
#polloftheday
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.