I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
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My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Wait a minute
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Netflix and awkward silence?
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.