@iheartgunts: I'm actually kind of handsome when you're drunk and the light is low and there's no other dudes around and you have low standards.
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@VerifiedDrunk: 2 Beers = 1 Tweet 5 Beers = 3 Tweets 9 Beers = 7 Tweets 12 Beers = 12 Tweets 24 Teers = 30 Beets
@joemcshutup: Taylor Swift told Vanity Fair she's not a "clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend" through various voicemails and texts at 3 AM
@JediGigi: [he picks me up on 1st date] Him: What do you have there? Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.