I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
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My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.