One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
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Oh my god
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer