@TheWidowmakerX: I'm afraid I'm gonna need more alcohol to be in this relationship with me
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@sixfootcandy: “Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
@NewDadNotes: Fish: shark keeps trying to eat me. God: oh man that sucks. Fish: can I get some of that camouflage you gave chameleon? God: sorry that only works on land. Fish: ok that’s fair. [octopus swims by but fish can’t see him because he’s camouflaged]
@CulturedRuffian: Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
@SarcasticAlly12: Toddlers & Ghosts -haunt you at all hours -lots of moaning/screaming -unclear motives -not helpful with housework -randomly open cupboards