Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
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Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Autocarrot sucks!
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
My time has come.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Lol.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit