I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
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BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?