I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
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“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Single and childfree like Jesus
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
inside you are two wolves
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear