I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
You Might Also Like
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
🤣
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.