CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
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My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
My wife gives the best headache.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
choose your fighter
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?