I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
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I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.