I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
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That stupid look on my face, is my face
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
They also CAN sing✌️
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”