I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
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My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”