I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
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As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
who will stop them
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.