@im_tommypickles: IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
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@DurtMcHurtt: Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa's "push it" and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
@drinksmcgee: My Dog: Holy shit, it’s a squirrel. Come here, you little bastard. I’m going to mess you up. Also my Dog: Holy shit, it’s a burglar. Maybe if I lay on my back, he’ll rub my belly.
@imteddybless: [cool person follows me] me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it's only good tweets from here me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?