Why am I like this?
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Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
This week’s mood.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Cake!!
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.