i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
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as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Meow
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.