I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
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[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
#Caturday
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.