I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
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THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh