I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
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I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs