Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
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Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me: