I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
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I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?