I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
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crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!