I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
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What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Strange
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun