Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
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280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Haha! 😂
describing stardew valley
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?