PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
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{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
This meeting could have been a cake
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
CUTE CAT‼︎
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.