the only organized thing in my life is crime
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“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
christening a ship with an overripe banana
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.