I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
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i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
when revenge coincides with naptime
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”