I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
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my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse